Secrets

These pages contain the secrets that I have learned, as I have learned them. Secrets about myself, my lover, my life.

Those things that I am continually learning about myself, and what I want with my life and love, and what I need from another person to allow closeness to be. I am insecure. I am afraid of the love that is promised to me, by God and by the one God has given me. I ask myself why. Does the answer lie in me? Where is my foundation? I don’t know. Is love learned? I don’t know that either. I know that with all the intensity of my whole being, I desire to be a part of everything in him. I commit my spirit and life to this purpose. And to the purpose of showing him the grandest potential which is the vision of him in my mind.

What do I need? The question is purposeful and eternal, with ever-changing answers. I need attention. I need the look of lust. I need to be followed. I need hurt and reconciliation. I need to be understood and validated by the one I love. Is this too much to ask of a man?

Can a man know the hurt that is caused by the most seemingly insignificant rejection? Can a man know how wonderful he makes me, and how his love creates my desire to be all that he wants and needs me to be? Can he know how a simple gesture can heal a hurtful word? Or how the lingering stare speaks volumes of love? Does my lover know his every word, and how it makes him continually more dynamic to me?

I know my own inability to verbalize my needs. I know my own fears of sounding weak. My experiences make me blind to the experiences of my lover.

How do I need thee? In words, in deeds, in hopes, in dreams, in truth, and in trust. I need his hope, his plans, his pains, his past, his present, and his future. I need assurance of his faith in me, and in my love. I need to know he thinks of me when he is away. I need intensity and passion.

How do I convey my love to you? How do you see me? All the questions of my mind cannot be answered with only time. How do I tell you when I want you with me? How do I tell you when I want you to want me? How do you know when I need more than “I love you”? How do I know when you do?

Can you know what healing you bring my past pain?

I need to be listened to. I need to be wanted around, and appreciated, every day. I need to be needed. I need my opinion to matter and I need my wants to be considered. I need more than words, more than actions, and more than feelings. I need tokens. I need symbols. I need pride and publicity. I need to be made love to. My mind needs to be made love to. I need your strength, my lover, Lover of My Soul.

Can I belong where I am? Can I belong to you? Do I need more than I have?

How do you know where to touch me? How do you sense me so well? God made you for me. Do you know as much as I do? Do you see yourself reaching into the depths of my mind, my heart, my soul, my spirit? Your touch lingers; on my face. Your portrait is stained; in my eyes. Your taste is craved; in my mouth. I feel your arms continually embrace me.

I rediscover you every day. I rediscover my love and hate. Fear tugs at my heart.